The veiled curse of Hope

I could write a book about the importance of (free) will as opposed to hope. I might in the end but because this is the internet and I do have a family to look after, I'm going to have to do it a little at a time, in bits scattered here and there.

When we hope, we give power to some outside source to change what is happening in our life. That outside source can be life in general, (so, unspecific sources of events), people (the interviewer for our new job, the policeman who will decide whether to let us go or not), or, it can be a supernatural being (God, a saint, a fairy).

If we look at it that way, we see that a synonym for hope is delegate. Imagine replacing one word for another all the time:

"I hope it will be sunny tomorrow"="I delegate to the Earth to make it sunny tomorrow". It makes sense. We still haven't invented Gyro Gearloose's weather making machine.

"I hope they will give me that job"="I delegate to the people I interviewed with to decide for me for that post". This kind of makes sense too, as long as there is an awareness that you have done what you could to influence that outcome, and now it is someone else's turn to do their job and decide about you.

"I hope my new boyfriend won't make me suffer"="I delegate my new boyfriend to ensure my lack of suffering". This starts making my ears itch. You are delegating the job to ensure your lack of suffering to someone else? You are removing from yourself the responsibility to contribute to the relationship in a  productive way, to keep an eye and ear out for your partner's behaviour to see how he's feeling about you both, and choosing to be blind to the flaws he has that will most likely lead to your suffering. From my point of view, your suffering is therefore ensured.

However, this can be changed a little, to mean "I hope this relationship works out well", and then it can become acceptable: you are not delegating, assuming you are aware that you will put all your best efforts in the relationship and hope that your partner does the same. There is only so much you can do to ensure he puts in his best efforts too.

"I hope God will change my life"="I delegate a supernatural being to do all that is necessary, big and small, to change my life. Even decide in what way I want to change it".

This might occur in the form of a prayer for something definite. "Please God give me the strength to face that interview". In this case you might be performing some kind of meditation that helps you focus on what you will do.  Prayers work a little like hypnosis, or eastern forms of focusing: at first you pray a lot to get to that state of mind, then all you need is a "power phrase" in your mind to get you going. However, the belief in a supernatural being can be brought to a very dangerous place. The place where you delegate everything to this all-powerful being. 

This is bad enough, but when that supernatural being is not even in direct contact with you (and therefore you can pretty much imagine him or her to be able to do, or want to do, anything you want, so it works, as I said, more as a meditation that leaves you in control), but is actually interpreted through a person (a priest), you can immediately see how terribly dangerous it is to delegate your happiness, your decisions, your choices and how you feel about yourself to a person that not only you are delegating with the power over you. He is at the same time supposedly delegating power to this supernatural being, and telling you what this supernatural being, now in charge of you and your destiny, wants, wishes, decides.

We as humans clearly have a disposition towards giving up responsibility for our actions, for our lives. It must be a remnant of the fear we must have experienced as animals, or more recently as when we were  helpless babies: we had to struggle to stir events in our favour (cry to get food, shelter, protection, and so on, or hunt constantly, or run in fear). We deep down love the idea of being looked after, being dependant on fates, other people, the whims of nature. Somehow, just like abused people return to be abused, we feel reassured by the repetition of a condition that may have been unpleasant, but we knew it, we were familiar with it.

That is the problem of course. Accepting responsibility for our actions, the consequences of the same and the end result of each and every day of our lives, takes heaps of courage because it forces us to admit we do not know how things will turn out. We can try our best and aim as straight and true as possible, but we may have gotten our targets completely wrong and cause completely unplanned and unforeseen things to happen. People who stride into life with apparent confidence, take control over the same and are always changing, revolutionising and experimenting, strike us as "bold", or sometimes even arrogant! We envy them, secretely, and despise them at the same time. These feelings were reinforced and taught to us by many many religions, who have taken the deeper, purest meaning of spiritual belief and inspiration, and have turned it into into a massive, devastating control tool.

If we are meek, as sheep, and delegate our lives to outside forces, whichever they are, we are safe: someone knows better than us.

This leads to a greater discussion about religion, which I will tackle bit by bit. But my aim now is to point out that by merely swapping the words, from "hope" to "delegate", we can see whether that hope is positive thinking about the future (which is of course fine), or whether we are relinquishing responsibility: which is still fine, of course, we are free to do as we please. BUT it removes our right to shake our fists in the air and get mad at someone else if things didn't go our way later.

A book for free: The Night Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko

I will start keeping track of the books I read, with a review: if you like the book or think someone will like it, just send me enough for postage via paypal at valsarno at gmail dot com and I'll send it to you, for free. Or perhaps if I'm feeling generous (and rich), I'll even pay for postage.

This is the Amazon link for this book: The Night Watch

 (By they way, image comes from interesting link about London Book Fair and Russian Lit, too. I hope they don't mind my using it).

This is the first of a series of books my friend Toby Deveson says are increasingly brilliant. I might mention this guy a lot: keep in mind the most amazing books I have ever read mostly came from his suggestions or deliberate book sending. I believe few things are/should be a most welcome gift than books, and I have enormously appreciated his effort to educate and drown me in the otherwise unaffordable (at various times) beauty of the written word, which is why I am inspired to continue his lovely habit.  

The Night Watch is a book about Others, people who have awareness of the underlying world of magic called the Twilight, and have the ability to manipulate these underlying energies either for good or for evil. Of course, as one would assume, the line between what we'd consider good and what we'd consider evil is very very fine and at times quite blurred, so the book revolves mostly around this speculation.

There is indeed a hell of a lot of speculation in this book: the main character Anton, a Light Other (meaning he is there to enforce the treaty that prevents good ones from doing too much good and bad ones from doing too much bad), speculates A LOT about whether one action is good or evil and about all the machinations and manipulations of his boss and older, wiser magicians, to ensure good  (supposedly, or hopefully) is done through the years. I must admit some of that speculating you want to skip over, and dear Anton comes across as a bit of a drag. Sometimes.

The other thing Anton does a lot is try to figure out where these manipulations and deceptions are actually occurring. This is an extremely frustrating aspect of it, possibly the principal aspect. The consideration that the evil side's (The Day Watch) point of view is somewhat preferable because at least they are open (or you expect them to lie) is often put forward, presumably setting up the premise for the next book in the trilogy, the Day Watch (which I won't link because I haven't read it yet and don't wish for spoilers).

Another source of frustration for both our main character (but not, oddly, for other Light ones?) and us readers is that they can do so much good... but they can't. There is a treaty in force which actively stops both Light and Dark ones form acting out their natures... and the Night and Day Watch respectively  enforce that treaty policing each other. But fun does talk place anyway, don't worry.

On the whole, if you manage to skim read or stomach all the speculating and the frustration of figuring out the machinations and not being able to trust other main characters, the actions and adventures are quite engaging. The ending is almost cheesy, but on the whole it did leave me wanting to read the next one in the series... tough not quite as urgently as, say, a Harry Potter (it was the back book cover that draws that comparison in the first place... JK Rowling... Russian Style. Ah, give me a break . If anything that sort of comment would have put me off buying it in the first place! A book that is sort of like another one but different is never very promising).

New yous

I want to change jobs.

Seems easy to say, doesn’t it? You know you’re doing one thing, and you want to do something else.

Now, I work form home as a translator. So, one would think, that’s even easier, right? I mean you don’t have to send any letters of resignation, no awkward goodbyes, no fear of unhelpful recommendations. You just, well, change jobs.

I could say that it’s difficult to think about working in a different location than your home because you suddenly have to rethink the very way you bring up your children, the way you pay for childcare, your wardrobe and the fact you can’t get away with making a constant mess of your hair anymore. You will need a hairdresser. But that’s all shields. The truth is, I no longer know how to interact with people I don’t choose to.

I have become intolerant, in my isolation, of many qualities in people that I never quite liked or understood anyway, only now I could actually choose to not frequent those people who possessed those qualities. And these people were: greedy, materialistic, mean, plain evil, shallow as puddles, dull, uninteresting, obstinate, prejudiced, intolerant of any diversity, obtuse, prevaricating, quick to anger, resentful, demanding, focused on exterior appearance, and many many other qualities I find insufferable (even when they surface in me!).

Of course we are human beings. I dislike a great quantity of human beings, that is the sad truth. Therefore, I know there is a high chance that working anywhere, I would come across and have to frequent on a steady basis some or even lots of these people (depending on how big the company is, but the smaller it is, the greater the risk it is made up SOLELY of those sorts of people).

So I cannot really see myself working outside my home anymore.

I am possibly the clumsiest and least organised person you know. So, my idle thought of making jewellery for a living remains that: an idle thought.

I am not disciplined enough to write a book, as I always wanted to: I get bored very quickly and find it hard to find the time. Plus I do need to earn money so I carry on working and in my rare free time I prefer not to carry on working.

So I don’t suppose I have much choice, and so I will approach this writing business from another point of view.

We mostly tend to write about stuff when stuff is bad. When stuff is good in certain areas, (but stuff is never good in ALL areas, is it? Or is it?), I think most people tend to prefer to write less about themselves, because, and it’s true, most people feel GUILTY in saying “I have made good choices that have led me to a relatively privileged life”.

Well I have decided it’s ok to write about it. After all, I would have loved to have read about someone like me when I felt trapped and miserable and lonely and all the rest of it.

So I will start sharing thoughts on how you can be talentless and difficult as a person, yet be entitled to a decent life anyhow.

Not today though, I must take my daughter to the playground after lunch.